2D's iPad Log
by castrophany-and-autonomy
Summary: What happens when 2D gets an iPad, a broken door, and a rather questionable item? This shitstack of a story!


Author's Note: Hey, this has a lot of swearing and crap, so watch out for it. No real 'ships here, just a bit of 'shipteases.

RECORDING 1

**User- identified as 2D**: Hello! This is 2D... This iPad fingy got a voice recorder app and um, yeah. This isn't one of them bloggy fings, but if someone finds this I guess you'll know what's like on Plastic Beach!

I fink I'm gonna be mates with this tablet! But tablets can't make friends, and it probably wouldn't like me if it could, but I'll just pretend.

**2D**: We just released "Plastic Beach" and it's doing quite well, which is good. (_Sound of fingers drumming on hard surface_) Uh... So... I'm working on a new album called-

**Unknown Female**: (_abrasively_) Master requires pr-pr-attendance upstairs for a telephone interview.

**2D**: (_towards Unknown Female_) Awright Cyborg! I'll be out in a just a mo'. (_whispering, presumably towards recording device_) I hate that Cyborg. It's always yelling at me and it can't even talk right. I'll talk more about it l-

(_Sound of wood splintering)  
_**Unknown Female**: It has been a "**mo'**". Let us g-g-leave.

**2D**: OH GOD! MY DOOR!

(END RECORDING)

RECORDING 2

**User- identified as 2D**: My damn door is still broken. Bloody Cyborg. I hate her.

**2D**: Anyway, here's the daily, uh report. I had interview with some magazine again, I don't know Murdoc always make me seem like an idiot! Granted, I'm not wreally smart or anyfing, but he always does shite to make it look like I'm stupid. Like in this one, he told me to go on and on about the meaning of "Glitter Freeze" before the interview and then after I did during the interview, he did his stupid "hmrhmrhmr" laugh and was like (_in imitation of someone else_) "Poorrrrr 2D. Not awarrrrre of anything but his sodding melodica." (_in normal voice_) With all those ridiculous rolling "r's. I really hate that guy sometimes. Well, who doesn't?  
**2D**: I did get a bag full of chocolate chip cookies though. (_mouth full_) Even Murdoc has his upsides. Again, they're like upsides that last for a few seconds, but I know they're not poison or drugged up because on my way down here, I stopped by his study and fed one of 'em to his pet fish. (_mouth clear_) It didn't die, but the fish spit the cookie right back up, which is gross. But cool. But gross. And soggy. Very soggy.

**2D**: Hmm, what else, what else.. Oh! My DVD player broke. It sucks. Doesn't suck DVDs any more, but the situation sucks. Still not DVDs though. Suck. Heh.

**2D: **I saw a few dolphins shagging last night in the middle of the fucking water... No decency these days...

**2D**: (_mouth full)_ 'Parently, all those cameras we've got all around the, ahm, general area of PB picked up some footage of this knock-out bird on some minky boat. She had a short dress and a gun. Sexy. Some of those stupid fans are saying it's Noodle, which sorta makes sense, but this girl's got tits. And she ain't dead. Eh, if it turns out to be Noodle and she finds us and her first priority is to hack into my iPad and listen to a recording journal that no-one knows about other than me, she's gonna kick my arse. But she won't. 'Cos she's dead. And my password's "192000", which that bitch would never guess..

**2D**: On the topic of Noodle, these fanpeople need to (_yelling_) STOP WRITING ME MESSAGES ASKIN' IF NOODLE WAS MY PARTNER BECAUSE OF A FEW "LOVE SONGS" THAT GORILLAZ PUT OUT! _Noodle_ wrote "El Mañana" not me, and I fink it was for one of those stupid musician blokes she fancied that had just gotten a partner so she was in "mourning". Stupid melodramatic bitch. I dunno, probably Damon or Jamie or Graham Coxon or somefink. "Broken"'s about the environment. Uh what's another "love song"? Oh! "Superfast Jellyfish" is about JELLYFISHES THAT ARE PRETTY MOTHERFUCKING FAST, IT'S NOT A LOVE SONG and let's see "To Binge" was just song that Yukimi wrote.. God, she's pretty.. Dreamboat eyes...

**2D**: Fuck! I fink Murdoc did drug me! What the fuck is this green shite? Pot? Heh, pot for Pot! Unnggghh.. ignore the past ten, dolphins.. MINUTES! MINUTES! I'm going to fucking kill that wanker...

**2D: **(_singing) _Broken... our glitter freeze.. is here to hold you...

(_Sound of footsteps shuffling away_)

**Unknown Male**: (_from distance) _WHERE THE FUCK IS THE BACTINE?  
(_Unintelligible scatting and the sound of things being dropped_)

(END RECORDING)

RECORDING 3

**User- identified as 2D**: God, I sounded stupid last night. There's a bunch of shite I need to take back.

**2D**But first, I, Stuart Pot, swear never ever to accept food from Murdoc Niccals again so that I don't get high and say dumb stuff. But I might get high again. No, I know I will. I'll just be sure to do it on purpose and far away from my iPad.

**2D**: Okay, first, I gave Murdoc a piece of my mind this morning, and he was a bit surprised at first because he was trying to be "nice" or some shite by giving me some pot to get my mind off things. Which in turned surprised me. Then he decked me, and now I'm sporting a shiner. Fuck.

**2D**: Also, I fink that Yukimi Nagano really is pretty hot, but I was trying to keep that a secret. But you're an iPad, so you won't tell, will ya?

**2D**: Another thing, even though I was serious about the love song crap, Noodle's not a bitch, but she probably did write "El Mañana" for Damon or Jamie. Who are both nice guys. (_mumbles_) Thatareprobablyfucking..  
**2D**: Okay, now there's really no explanation to what I said about the mystery bird. You see, I do believe that the girl is Noodle, she looks about the right age, but... I actually do think that whoever that is is very attractive. I said "sexy", and I kinda meant that too. But if it's Noodle, she can't be "hot", because that's an obvious contraction, no contradiction. Contradiction.

**2D**: (_coughs nervously_) That thing about her tits was just plain embarrassing and kinda degrading for me to say. No explanation for that. Wasn't kidding about my pass-code though. It actually is "192000".

**2D**: I know that no-one is listening to this except for me and maybe whoever has my room under 24-hour surveillance, but I'm still embarrassed. Quite.

**2D**: So I guess that's about it. Many apologies to all those who I might've offended but can't hear this because it's my diary. Goodnight! Morning. It's morning.

Author's Note: So that's about it, but I am writing more chapters. That was the most vulgar thing I've ever written. But whatever. Anyone catch the "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" reference? Eh, if you did, let me know, and I'll probably fall in love with you.  
Also, I have never been intoxicated or high, (but I babysat a 16-year old who was high on cocaine during final exam week in school, so I know kind of what's like) so I don't know whether or not my portrayal of being high was accurate. So sorry about that.

By the way, I don't own Gorillaz, if that wasn't clear. Sure it was.


End file.
